If you’re reading this, something in your relationship may not feel right. You might feel unsure, confused or torn. You might be wondering if what you’re experiencing “counts” as abuse. You might even feel guilty for asking these questions.
These feelings are common. Many people who experience coercive control doubt themselves for a long time. This is not your fault. Coercive control is designed to create confusion, fear, self-blame and isolation. It works slowly and quietly. You are not imagining it, and you are not alone.
This page explains what coercive control is, what it looks like day to day, why you may be feeling unsure, and safe steps you can take at your own pace.
You do not need to make any big decisions today. Simply noticing and reading about this is an important step.
What coercive control is
Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour that frightens, isolates or controls you. It is a criminal offence. This type of abuse can happen in any relationship, including couples, former partners, LGBTQ+ relationships and family situations.
Coercive control can include:
- Telling you what you can and cannot do
- Controlling your money or access to essentials
- Monitoring your phone, messages or location
- Criticising, blaming or humiliating you
- Isolating you from friends, family or support
- Creating fear, guilt or self-doubt
- Threatening you, your children or your pets
- Punishing you for breaking “rules”
- Checking your time, movements or social media
- Explosive anger that makes you change your behaviour
There does not need to be physical violence. Many people living under coercive control have never been hit. The absence of bruises does not mean the absence of danger.
The aim of coercive control is always the same: to make you easier to control.
How coercive control can build over time
Coercive control often begins quietly. You may not notice the change at first. You may even feel cared for in the early days.
It can look like:
- “I love you so much, I just want to be with you all the time.”
- “Let me manage the money, I’m better at it.”
- “I worry about you, that’s why I check your phone.”
- “That friend of yours is a bad influence, you don’t need them.”
Over time, the behaviour becomes more restrictive, more frightening, and harder to challenge. You may find yourself keeping the peace, avoiding arguments, changing your behaviour or walking on eggshells.
If you’re unsure whether this applies to you, you are not alone. Many people only realise the pattern when they talk to someone else or see it written down.
Signs you might notice in yourself
Every situation is different, and you may recognise some or all of these.
- Feeling nervous or scared around them
You watch their mood closely. You adjust your behaviour to avoid anger, criticism or punishment.
- Feeling isolated
You see friends or family less than you used to. You may feel embarrassed, exhausted or afraid of their reaction if you go out.
- Feeling controlled
You need permission to make simple decisions. You worry about how they will respond to what you wear, where you go or who you talk to.
- Feeling confused
You question your own memory, feelings or reactions. You may think, “Maybe I’m overreacting,” or “Maybe it really is my fault.”
- Feeling responsible for their emotions
You feel you must keep them calm or happy. You blame yourself if they get angry.
- Feeling watched
They check your phone, messages, location, spending or social media. You may feel you have no privacy.
- Feeling small
You feel criticised, belittled or humiliated. You may notice your confidence slipping away.
- Feeling trapped
You think about leaving but worry about safety, money, children or where to go. You may feel stuck between choices you don’t want to make.
None of these feelings are your fault. They are common responses to controlling behaviour.
Why you may be unsure whether it is abuse
Confusion is a normal reaction to coercive control.
Many people feel unsure because:
- The behaviour happens gradually
- The partner apologises, explains or blames stress
- You remember the good times and feel hopeful
- The behaviour is mixed with affection or “caring”
- You fear the consequences of naming it
- You have been told it is “just an argument” or “normal”
- You worry you are overreacting
- You feel ashamed or responsible
These feelings are understandable. Abuse often makes you doubt yourself. You deserve support, no matter how unclear things feel right now.
Common thoughts people have in controlling relationships
You may recognise some of these:
- “It’s not that bad.”
- “Other people have it worse.”
- “They can be lovely when they want to be.”
- “I shouldn’t cause trouble.”
- “I don’t want people to think badly of them.”
- “They only act like this because they care.”
- “Maybe I’m the problem.”
- “I can handle it.”
- “If I just try harder, things will get better.”
These thoughts are common because coercive control works by lowering your confidence and increasing your fear. You deserve safety and respect, regardless of the situation.
What coercive control can look like day to day
People often find it helpful to see real-life examples. These might or might not match your experience.
Examples of controlling behaviour:
- They demand your passwords or check your phone.
- They criticise your clothes, appearance or friendships.
- They track where you are or question every movement.
- They take your money or give you an allowance.
- They expect you to explain who you talk to.
- They explode in anger and blame you for their reaction.
- They shame you for wanting time alone.
- They twist your words or say you’re “imagining things”.
- They make threats, even subtle ones.
- They break objects, slam doors or use silence as punishment.
- They interfere with your sleep, food or routine.
- They control medication, car keys or important documents.
If you recognise even a few of these, you are not alone. Many people experience these patterns before realising it is abuse.
If your partner checks your phone
If you think your phone, laptop or messages may be monitored:
- Avoid saving this page
- Avoid searching for help in obvious ways
- Avoid sending sensitive messages
- Consider using a device they cannot access
- Consider using a trusted friend’s phone
- Use “private browsing” if safe to do so
- Clear your search history only if it does not look unusual
You are not doing anything wrong by seeking information. Your safety matters.
You may still love them, and that is okay
Love does not cancel out abuse. Many people love their partner and want the behaviour to change. Many feel loyalty, fear, hope or attachment. These feelings do not mean you have to stay silent or stay unsafe.
You can ask for support without making any decisions. Seeking support does not force you into anything.
What you can do safely, at your own pace
You are in control of what happens next. Here are gentle steps that do not require big decisions.
- Talk to someone you trust
This could be a friend, family member, neighbour or colleague. You do not need to explain everything. You could say:
- “I’m not sure, but something feels off at home.”
- “I feel anxious around my partner lately.”
- “I don’t feel like myself.”
Small conversations can help you feel less alone.
- Speak to a helpline
Helplines are confidential and non-judgemental. You do not have to know what you want. You can talk through what’s happening and how you feel.
You can call even if you:
- Don’t want to leave
- Still love them
- Feel unsure
- Feel guilty
- Think “it isn’t that bad”
Helplines can help you make sense of the situation, talk about safety, and explore options.
- Think about small safety steps
You can make gentle plans without making decisions.
For example:
- Keeping important documents in a safe place
- Storing emergency numbers under a different name
- Having a small bag of essentials ready
- Agreeing a code word with someone you trust
- Identifying a safe room in the house
- Knowing exits in an emergency
You do not need to act on these plans unless you want to.
- Notice how you feel
If you feel scared, controlled, belittled, trapped or constantly on alert, these feelings matter. Your feelings are valid.
- Learn about coercive control
Reading more about patterns of abuse can help you understand what is happening. You may see your situation differently once you have language for it.
- Consider speaking to a local domestic abuse service
These services understand coercive control and will not pressure you.
They can help with:
- Emotional support
- Safety planning
- Legal rights
- Housing, benefits or money worries
- Planning for the future
- Support for children
You choose what happens next.
If you want to leave but don’t feel ready
Leaving can be the most dangerous time. It is okay to feel unsure. You do not have to rush. A domestic abuse worker can help you think through safe timing and steps.
You can plan quietly:
- Where you could go
- Who you could contact
- What documents you may need
- What moments are safest to leave
- How to leave without alerting them
You do not need to act on the plan today.
If you want to stay for now
There are many reasons people stay:
- Children
- Money
- Housing
- Fear
- Love
- Immigration concerns
- Disability or care needs
You do not have to justify your reasons. You deserve support wherever you are in your decision.
You can still:
- Talk to a helpline
- Get emotional support
- Make safety plans
- Protect your digital privacy
- Get practical advice
Support is available even if you decide to stay.
If you ever feel in immediate danger
Call 999.
If you cannot speak, press 55 when prompted.
You will be connected to the police.
You will not be judged for seeking help.
You deserve safety, respect and support
Coercive control is confusing. It is frightening. It creates guilt, fear, hope and self-blame. All your feelings are valid. You are not overreacting. You are not imagining it. You are not to blame.
You deserve to feel safe in your own home.
You deserve respect.
You deserve support.
You do not have to decide anything today. You can take steps gently, at your own pace. You are not alone.
The post Coercive Control: How to Recognise It and What You Can Do Safely was created by First Light.
